For me, money has always been a bit of a touchy subject. My dad used it as a source of power over me. I would have to beg him for what I needed and most of the time was subject to the manipulation required to get those needs met. When I was married, money was a source of abuse as well.
When I separated and later divorced, my provider became the Lord. He brough me home to live with mom and she helped too, in a huge way. I have found over the last ten years that even though I am no longer being abused with money, I still find myself triggered periodically. I feel like I still have to beg for my own needs to be met. My son is automatically and well taken care of. However, there are a lot of things that I go without.
I work at our homeschool co-op, however, the co-op is a ministry, so my pay is low for the amount of work I do. I am thankful for ANY income of my own while being allowed to homeschool my son as a single mom. This year, though, it's a lot harder than normal because EVERYTHING is so much more expensive.
I have also been struggling because my workload has been so high this semester. Between teaching five classes at our co-op, doing increasing administrative tasks there too, homeschooling my son, and being a mom, I haven't had time or energy for much else. I have been fatigued and stressed. So, the Lord told me to give up one of my classes next semester. I told our director that if there's a mom who wants a class to teach but doesn't have one, she can teach my writing class second semester. We found a taker, so I was happy to have relief to look forward to in February.
Three days after the other mom confirmed she'd take the class, the enrollment rosters for my other four classes were emailed to me. Quite a few of my students dropped (most of them because they are either going back to public school or their families are leaving the co-op for various reasons. Since my teaching pay is calculated per student, this means that in addition to losing the income from the class I gave away, I am also losing more income because of the students who are leaving. The Lord cushioned that blow a lot by bringing an added financial benefit through my administrative job, but it did not cover all of the loss.
Long story shorter, more than ten years of living dollar to dollar for myself has grown discouraging. Prolonged discouragement has made me a bit jaded, and I have started complaining lately. I don't like it when I complain. God doesn't like it either. He reminded me of that the other night. So, last night, we had another heart-to-heart.
What it boils down to is this: God does not manipulate with money. God does not abuse with money. God teaches, instructs, and blesses with money. His wisdom is best. What I don't like is not having control over my finances; having to rely on the good graces of someone else. Ultimately, though, I am relying on the Lord. He is my provider, not me. I should be secure in that. So, I handed it all back to Him again last night. I repented for my jaded, complaining attitude. I thanked Him for each student He has brought back to my classes. I thanked Him for the income He has blessed me with and for putting good graces in others to help too. I told Him I would focus on being thankful instead of focusing on what I don't have.
Every once in a while, I have to step out in faith again. I think we all probably like to know we'll be taken care of and where our finances will come from. However, I know I forget that even those with "regular" jobs really have no guarantees from day to day that they will keep that job. Nobody is in control. Well, nobody but Him. His hands are safe though. He doesn't use weapons. He doesn't manipulate. He is faithful and He is true.
So, here I go out on that limb again. I just need to remember to look up instead of down.
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