My life for the past nine months has been a whirlwind. Well, maybe hurricane would be a better word for it. I started the school year out running before it had even technically begun. Because of circumstances and the Lord’s leading, I found myself with a heavy teaching load at co-op and a new admin job there in addition to my homeschool, parent, and daughter responsibilities at home.
In many ways, when everything had gotten underway, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. Physically, I was still weak from recovering from the “dizziness” problem that had rendered me almost bedridden for an entire year. I had been gradually doing more, but it was slow-going. When this school year started, I was faced with an almost forty-hour work week, & it was a shock after all this time. It was a hard and physically exhausting year, but the Lord brought me through. Now on the other end, I am much stronger than I was at the start, and I feel so much more like myself and like and “adult.”
Going through what I’ve gone through for the last ten years (plus several while I was married), left me highly dependent on others. After such a long time, I started to feel internally like I had regressed back to being a child. Here I was raising my son feeling like I was still a child myself. Thankfully, this year has brought me to the place where I feel like an adult again. I may not feel like I’m my age (I think that’s normal, though, for an aging adult), but I feel like an adult.
These last few months have been especially noteworthy. Bringing home my new kitty was a breakthrough in so many ways. I know it’s strange for an adult to drone on and on about a cat. Believe me, I get teased plenty for it. This time, though, it’s not just me being juvenile. She has brought me so much healing and joy. Pure joy. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve felt that? The last time I felt it was probably when my son was born over fourteen years ago. I’m not exaggerating.
The circumstances under which I had to give up my previous cats left me very wounded; even more wounded than I realized. I think part of the wound was shame. I was ashamed of having to give them up. I knew I was being obedient in doing it, but I was ashamed of myself. I think deep down, I had convinced myself that the Lord would never let me have another cat (especially a Himalayan—my favorite breed) after giving them up. Not only did it rip my heart out to leave them behind, but I was looking at punishing myself, or being punished, for the rest of my life. The Lord had told me I would get another, but I put that word away from me and wouldn’t believe it. Part of me hoped, but none of me believed.
So, when He dropped my new kitty in my lap, His healing balm started pouring into me and filling me up. Memories of my others began to hurt less and less as the healing took place. Now the pain is only like a bruise, but I believe it will go away completely at some point. Then, the shame went away and was replaced by joy. EVERY SINGLE TIME I look at her, I am filled with joy. She is adorable, and she is His PERFECT gift of grace and mercy to me. I changed her name when I brought her home and named her Chloe. The name means “blooming.” The healing the Lord brought through her was the beginning of new growth in my life.
Yes, I know she is just a cat. However, what the Lord has done through her has been lifechanging for me. I will never be the same.
As my heart has been healing it has also been “waking up.” The joy I feel at home spills over into other parts of life. The hope that has been deferred is now revived. The “spark” in me, I believe, has returned. I am dreaming again, both literally and figuratively. I am hearing His voice more often and more clearly. I am starting to have good thoughts about the future. I have been laughing more & cracking jokes again. I love to laugh & have missed that in recent years. All of these changes have also helped me make friends at our co-op. I haven’t had time to make friends in a very long time, so this development brings me joy too.
Amidst all of these changes, the school year has ended and I am now cleaning up all of the loose ends. By midweek I expect to be able to start working toward next year. I have a reduced teaching load at co-op, a similar admin load there, and an increased teaching load at home since my son will be starting high school in the fall. But, I also have the possibility of getting more involved in our church. There too, has been a breakthrough. People at church are no longer dismissing me as the “sick one,” or the divorced lady. They’re seeing me as Heather and allowing me to get to know them and show them who I am (and maybe what my spiritual giftings are). I am excited about that.
This church has been such a blessing as well. Through my divorce process, I learned about the Holy Spirit. I learned that He is alive, He is real, and He is active. I had always been in conservative churches (and still love them), but my newfound relationship with Holy Spirit didn’t fit in many of them. Sadly, most conservative churches see Him as only relevant in Bible times; in the book of Acts. So, I had to keep that part of myself quiet at church. I tried some Pentecostal churches and found that I don’t really fit there either. The ones I tried were very emotion-based, and extrovert focused. As a quieter introvert, my personality didn’t mesh well with their environment, and my conservative core experienced some dissonance with some of their teachings. However, the Lord brought me to our local Nazarene church. Surprisingly, they seem to be the right combination of the two styles for me. Conservative, yet they believe in healing, the Holy Spirit, and the consistency of the Lord’s nature. I feel like all of me fits at this church and in this denomination. Thank you, Lord!
Why am I rambling on and on about all of this? This is a time of transition for me. It’s time to dust off the old promises of the Lord and start remembering them again. It’s time to look toward and start planning for the future. It’s time to open up and boom. It’s time to dream again. This is the time when my favorite chapter of Isaiah (my favorite book of the Bible) becomes a Rhema word for me:
“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, Because the Lord has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to [a]heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound; 2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, And the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, 3 To [b]console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”
4 And they shall rebuild the old ruins, They shall raise up the former desolations, And they shall repair the ruined cities, The desolations of many generations. 5 Strangers shall stand and feed your flocks, And the sons of the foreigner Shall be your plowmen and your vinedressers. 6 But you shall be named the priests of the Lord, They shall call you the servants of our God. You shall eat the riches of the Gentiles, And in their glory you shall boast. 7 Instead of your shame you shall have double honor, And instead of confusion they shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land they shall possess double; Everlasting joy shall be theirs.
8 “For I, the Lord, love justice; I hate robbery [c]for burnt offering; I will direct their work in truth, And will make with them an everlasting covenant. 9 Their descendants shall be known among the Gentiles, And their offspring among the people. All who see them shall acknowledge them, That they are the posterity whom the Lord has blessed.”
10 I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, My soul shall be joyful in my God; For He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments, And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. 11 For as the earth brings forth its bud, As the garden causes the things that are sown in it to spring forth, So the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise to spring forth before all the nations.
Isaiah 60:1-11
No, I am not the Messiah who is speaking. I am one He is speaking to and about. I am so thankful. My goal from here on out is to be called a “tree of righteousness (a new tree), a planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”
Amen
Comentarios